Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
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I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I only treason on days ending in y
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.