“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
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Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
This one’s “Alex”.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Breaking news:
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”