Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
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Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.