My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
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I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I support this random dude and all his protests
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.