Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
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I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting