After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
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I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door