A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
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I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
satan: not today, microsoft teams
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.