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friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Taliband
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.