100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
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I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
My wife gives the best headache.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.