I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
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I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Fiction has to make sense.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.