Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
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Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?