confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
You Might Also Like
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments: