A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
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oh no, steve’s working tonight
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Shortcut
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
how much for the angry fruit?
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
oppen heimer style lol
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.