[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
You Might Also Like
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.