age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
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I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.