[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
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the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Golf would be better with landmines.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.