It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
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me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.