Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
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cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
I triple waxed for this?