Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
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I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
uh oh
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.