*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
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microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon