May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
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When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead