WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
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Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Netflix and awkward silence?
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I’d love this…lol
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil