God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
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My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
taking June’s advice to heart
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me