Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
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My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.