Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
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A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron