There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
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Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.