DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
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Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
i baked you a cake
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
seems like a niche market
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”