Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
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[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.