Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
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My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.