I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
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My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”