I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
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GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Best seat on the street 😍
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.