Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
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Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.