Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
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I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop