…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
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Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.