I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
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The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Scream sneezers need love too.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
😎 🍻
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.