I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
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My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
finally found a reasonable question
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.