The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
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Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax