If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
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“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
2023 was just a warmup
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect