Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
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“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.