I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
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Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me