Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
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My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Do not go gentle into that good night,
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy