My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
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If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Raisins are grape jerky.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers