Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
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me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.