I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
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Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast