what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
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FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
❤️❤️❤️
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.