I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
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Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it