Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
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“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Customer is always right
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.