[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
You Might Also Like
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
This is no longer winter this is harassment
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
This is me
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.