Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
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All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!