COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
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PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going